I kept hitting the delete key when I'm blogging.

There are so many things going through my mind these days and today was the worst. Thoughts just kept flashing and flashing in my mind. The problems I had with myself and my life just reappeared again. I realised I've never moved on from those terrible times. It's just that the past year, had became so eventful that they got burried under layers and layers. But just a innocent chat with my bosses today led my mind to unstrip those layers.

I don't even know how this entry is lead and end. Everytime I think of something to blog, it doesn't come out exactly the same as it should have been. The contents of my entries are not original, often editted and forgotten deliberately. I'm not sure if its caz those thoughts are so personal that I'm so protective of them or if I'm just trying to hide away the ugliness of it all.

But I'm really trying to type out most of what came to mind today.

So, Jean and John was asking me to visit the church with my sister today. They said it was good to have faith in God and it would make yourself feel a whole lot better, blah blah blah. I'm still unwilling, my excuse is that I'm unable to commit and I've not found that faith in God. Growing up from a catholic school, I honestly believe there is a God. Yet, I don't believe in God. Sure, I rmb praying to God for help when I was younger. But I don't know what happened that got me to stop having that belief. Maybe it's caz I haven exactly seen God at work, there's no real thing there for me to believe in. Like Jean said, I'll only have the faith if I asked God to give me a sign or miracle to believe in him.I once prayed "God, if you're really true, pls help me find my watch." I don't know if those silly prayers worked but I've heard many stories from people around me about how life took a better turn when they had something to believe in and I seriously considered joining my sister, espeacially when my family got so screwed up. But I never did and I don't understand why I'm having such a struggle with it.

I'm thinking,I'll have the faith if God turn me less weird and more normal. I'll believe and worship if he take away those family problems. But being greedy, I'll ask for more even if he made all my dreams come true. Besides, that sounds more like despicable bribery.

(Oh yes, Ying's having that big contradicting theory of hers again...)

Things started to get wild in my head and I started to recall about my past 17years of living.

(I've always thought that my life would be a great melo-dramatic fanfic if I exaggerate it with an antagonist character and spice it up with some heart-trobbing love affair charming black knight.)

Life had been very pleasant throughout my childhood years. It was secondary 1 and 2 when my world was very lonely and cold. I don't dare to rmb much of those two years but it was the around the end of Secondary 2 and start of Secondary 3 when I suddenly changed and became this sociable and smiling girl. I made friends easily, I smiled at everybody and nightmares of the previous year had led me to keep friends as the my most important assets.

My family, on the other hand took a steep plunge into a blackhole after moving house. Dad's problems got more serious and intolerable while Mum and I quarrelled practically everynight over my studies and all. Back then, i was cheerful infront of my friends at school and crying under my blanket at night. That was probably the darkest period of my life. Up til now, Im suprised I'm not suffering from depression despite the couple of times I've thought of seeking for help from a counsellor before I start to do something stupid and end my life.

Once O'levels ended, Mum and I didn't argued as frequently. But Dad's issues got out of hand and she finally moved out of the house. Honestly,life was much easier and light without my mum's constant watch. Also, because I spent most of my time outside, working at Leather Ark. But Dad still couldn't be satisfied with the amount of money he had in his pocket, caused more trouble and started to ask me for money.

I entered poly and you all probably know the rest. I thought life was better. But I seriously doubt so now. Sure, life is cool when I'm out and all. But I really miss my mum even though she lives so nearby. Considering how bad my relationship with my mom had been, I'll never admit to her that. Initially, she would call and ask me to go over to her side and visit her because she miss me. But a few months later, she would call only when she wanted me to do something and I'll go over only when she wanted me to get something.

I don't have a very close relationship with my family members. My sister and I hardly speak to each other and I'm always afraid to pick up my dad's phonecalls, worried that he would be asking me for money.I'm not sure if I've gave up hoping that he would change for the better or if I've simply just got used to it. He cares for us sometimes,but its hard to keep telling yourself that he truely cares and not because he wants a favour.

Life's definetly happier and peaceful now compared to secondary school times. But you can't help but wonder if its really good when you're family is still so screwed up. Im envious of those who share a close relationship with their family and I don't feel comfortable seeing people without friends. Ironically, I'm guilty of causing someone to be 'friendless'. But being a selfish idiot, I never extended any help no matter how sympathetic and guilty i was.

I'll wake up the next mrng feeling better anyway so there was really no need to blog. But typing all these just help me realise that whatever I tell myself is probably a huge lie itself. I always tell myself to think of the positive and negative side of things. I don't know if Im just doing all these to make myself feel better or to make myself seem less ugly. I'm not a completely honest person but I try to be as honest to everybody as I can be. Yet, its getting to me whether I'm even honest to myself. Maybe the honesty that I've been putting on my lips every now and then is a big lie itself and I'm such a good liar that I don't even know it myself.

It's like I'm digging up all the problems that I've had when I was still in secondary school, realising I've never resolved any of them.

(I just can't love my current life and had to go look for something to torture myself.)

I'm giving myself a senseless headache now, ta.

kenkenpi @ 10:58 PM