alright, so im back from work. and i shall hurry up blog before i get lazy again. my mind seems to be my active blog instead, caz i always tink fo wad to type in there but usually never get to type it out.

so yeah. i've been in the reflection mood/guilty conscious mood lately. (ok, im occasionally like this.) so i was couting earrings in the shop when i randomly started reflecting about myself. I rembered shir smsing me yesterday to go out today, which i cldnt go since i was working.

and yah, she's been always asking me out for saturdays but always ask last minute. the last time i saw her was wad? feburary? april? not sure. but anyway, i had this flashback about the time when we were in sec 4 and conversing through my notebook even thou we were seating right next to each other. She wrote tt she had something on her mind awhile back, but i wasn't there so she didn't tell me. to which, i replied that she cld have still told me even i wasn't there by her.

and now, she probably wants me there so she can tell me her problems but im still not there.

then i recalled about the conversation with novea about my gems for next semester. I told novea i wanted to take Enterprenuership but then she told me sam had told her i had agreed to take some ettiqutte course some time back. i honestly still dun rmb much of tt, but yeah. count on Ying to go back on her words man.

once it started, it cldnt stop. I was smsing natalie the other day and telling her not to think about things alone, but instead sms or call me so that she wouldnt think so pessimistic on everything and feel emo. however, now that i think of it, i'll probably get irritated if she really did call me everytime right?

and then i realised that even if she calls, i wun be much help. because, im a really bad listener. i used to be really good in listening to ppl, but somehow i've lost the art of it. im sorry to say this to jaslyn and maybe all my friends, but im not listening more than half the time when u are talking. i always pretends to listen. and its not im thinking on my own or something, im usually spaced out while they are toking to me.

So the problem with me is that Im always saying words yet not keeping by them. It sucks, i know. but its gets worse with the fact that i always reflect about myself, try to change a lil but then revert back to normal some day, time or whatever.

im a really really bad fren.

ok, then i started to think about my family. yeah. honestly, i don't know what's happening in the family. it's been rather peaceful for the past few days, but im keeping my fingers cross about the whole 'family peace' tingie. they always seem to be a pre-warning about something bad that's gonna happen soon.

and my mum called me just now, i was busy reflecting/emo-ing that i used my irritated voice on her. and in a reflection state, i cursed myself mentally for being so rude to my mom. but im always using this tone of voice with her, and then getting angry at myself for doing that. and then i asked myself if i missed my mum or sumting, but i really don't have an answer to it. just yesterday, i was questioning myself if i love my sister (not in the incest way), or family. and i have no concrete answer to it. sure, im concerned about them, i dun hate them. but there's this lack of affectionate (or wadeva u call it) between us that makes me wonder if i love them anot.

I realised that im occasionally worried and concerned about my frens and family and even to ppl around me whom im not very close with. but i always stop there. i dun do anything much to help and all. i always offer help and i sincerely wants to help, but i always end up not giving any actual help.

So the bottom line of it all is that, im think about myself too much more than i think of others.

i hope i wldnt regret typing such an entry. btw, i don't really know what im saying.

My mental health, is degrading every second.

List
1.become the good listener i once was
2.think carefully before i speak incase my words become empty and meaningless.
3.stop myself from reflecting and all at the wrong timing.
4.Have a healthy lifestyle/diet to boost my mental health.

kenkenpi @ 10:14 PM