Friday, December 22, 2006
@ 9:54 PM
i'm not affected.who am i kidding? i am affected. very affected, super affected, absolutely affected.its that thing called pride. incase you don't know, i have alot of pride.wich is why i never apologises again if ppl rejects my solem 'sorry' harshly. i rather lose the friendship than say it.and its pride preventing me from crying. yes im tearing, but i din drop a single tear.so full of pride that i don't let others noe how affected i am. so why am i here blogging? caz i have no one to tell all these. i have no courage or watsoever to tell it out front. im a coward, a very good one too. not even family, not even friends can be close enough to know everything.even nicole, she mite be my closest friend ever, but she's not even close to being the 'bestfriend' who noes it all.not jasmine who's really understanding. not even friends whom i know for 10 years already.sure, i've kinda opened up these few years and afew ppl do noe about my circumstances. but not in detail. i can't bring myself to say it. i hesitate before telling anyone anything.maybe im blogging now caz im hoping for tt lil attention, tt lil comfort. but no my friends, saying things like "its ok". "fuck the whole thing" isnt gonna ease it all.i rather u not say a thing at all. because i know for sure it wun go away. ill sleep over it and forget it the next day, but the problem is still there.the hurt is still there. and it comes back huanting occasionally. no, i dun tink my heart is feeling any pain. i dunoe wad its feeling. i only know im upset, confused and i blah blah blah.the reason why im emotionally attached to my computer, is cause its where i can temporary forget my worries.im like locked up in anohter world, reading fanfics,surfing forums, watching youtubes. even at work, i enjoy it maybe cause i dun rmb the hard times. u noe how fanfics always write about super poor girls meeting the rich one and having a happy ending?i laugh at those stupid plots, becaz its not true. those girls don't even come close to what im facing.yes, im self-sympathising. i tink my life is pathetic and worse than others. yah maybe others have it worse.but no,selfish me only cares about myself now. and dun even tink 'she needs a man' . because i have enough men distrupting my life already. so why do i still read fanfics? u tell me. maybe deep down, im hoping and praying a miracles like that wld happen and save me from all these. but i know better, nth's gonna save me. well, my uncle suggested tt maybe if my dad died all these wld be resolved? they laugh at it as sum kind of joke. but i took it seriously. maybe im even wishing for my own's father death now. im not so sure myself. i don't know what i want anymore. no, i never knew what i wanted. if only i can really lock myself up. shut myself away from the world. but i can't. caz i can still feel this heart beating. which sucks, because i seriously won't do anything physically to harm myself. i won't slit wrists, i won't commit suicide.becaz im a coward. always one, forever one. nd im hoping, to see a better side of the world, one day, someday far far away in the future.i usually sing songs out loud to soothe myself out, and cry all by myself while singing. but this time, i stopped myself. as sual, i don't know why. i fear chinese new eyar. i wanna run away from it all. i dun have the face to meet up relatives adn smile. to wish them 'happy new yr' and to take their ang baos. i want to be away from this 'house' , that 'home', the 'estate'. i wish i cld go on to another country during that period. even right now. but i ahve no money to do all these. even if my mum wld to sponser me, she wld to tag along with me to make sure i'm alright. but i dun want that. a part of me wants to be alone, but another part of me fears lonliness. and again, i dun have the guts to run away from my problems. and im sorry if im not replying sms, or if im telling u im not in the mood to talk right now. ok, maybe im not sorry. i dun feel sorry.
kenkenpi @ 9:54 PM
YYY