im not suppose to be online now.
my new study plan was to study til 9pm.
and use the computer at 9pm. since im only entitled to an hr a day.
but my mom's not home yet, so im taking advantage.

not really. i just felt so lousy i had to come online to blog this.

Tis mrng, i went to open my mailbox before gng to sch. (wanted to check and see if the earphones are here)
i saw a letter my youngest uncle posted to my grandma and family, and i just had the urge to take it and read it. so i took it and read it on the way to sch.

the entire letter was in chinese, i felt like i was reading a homeletter from china. haha.
anyway, his handriting is the exactly the same as my father's. tt fact kinda amused me.

i read that letter, i felt damn sad when i read the first part of the letter, then i felt quite irritated about the middle part. the last part, i got damn touched. i teared a lil after i kept the letter in my bag and tink back about contents of the letter. felt so upset i didnt even call out to carmen and samcilla when i saw them walking infront of me.

i rmb my grandmother bringing me and my sis to visit my youngest uncle when i was young. but all that stopped, like since i was primary 5? i hardly recall him. he's a young man. i tink only in his early 30's now. he had a 'bad guy' face but he smiled alot to us. i always had a scene of him with afro hair and playing with me on his lap in my mind. im not sure if tt really happened or if it was just a dream.

wadeva happened? the whole family, including my uncles and aunties seem to have forgotten about him. in the letter, he wrote that he never ever felt the family love from his older brother and sister. they only told him that it was up to him to change, and they are willing to give him tt chance to change. but he never felt that they were sincere in wad they say. afterall, no one ever showed him that they really cared. and i really tink he's rite. nobody really cared.

i felt so sad for my uncle. and i felt so guilty that i never visited him anymore. i rmb when i was younger, i asked my grandma to bring me along to see him, but she didnt want to. said there wasnt a need for me to see him. i rmb him saying once to me "last yr, ur eldest uncle always brought u out to play, tis yr ur auntie always bring u shopping. next yr, it will be my turn to bring u fun." but tt opportunity never came.

i dunoe, but i really tot that if my father, my mum or my relatives could pay him a lil more attention, if they could showed him more care and concern, maybe he wouldnt have been in the state he's in now.

and the only one who truely never gave up on him was my grandmother. i kinda forgot about the letter abit until i reached home. told my grandmother tt there was a letter. she kept telling me not to bother about him and uncontrollable tears just kept coming down (im still crying, haha.)
i tot to myself then 'had she forsaken him too?'

my heart pained for my uncle. it really did. he made many mistakes in his life. countless of mistakes. the same mistakes over and over again. it ruined him, it broke his mother's heart.
and my grandmother now, she's asking me about the letter. i noe now tt although she says she dont care, she actually does. she saw him today, but he didnt mention anyting. it took him alot of courage to rite the letter, but not enough to say it out.

so my grandmother cried, even though i failed at translating the letter to her. she told me how terrible she feels. both her sons, my father and that uncle dissapointed her again and again. i noe my grandmother's mean and bias and all. but she really loved her children alot. everyting she does is for her children. and honestly, none of them repaid that gratitude. maybe except my third uncle who's a nice, honest guy.

if i had enough courage, ill call up all my uncles and aunties and tell them all to show their brother a lil love. (which i obviously dont have.makes me an asshole.)

my grandmother told me my eldest cousin (he's 27 tis yr) called to ask me about my o'levels. he's worried bout my results and reminded her to tell me not to get too stressed and all. i was suprised. i was never close to that cousin. i used to anger him alot. and he always scolded me. i didnt tink he would even realise that i was taking my o'levels tis yr. he's offered a job with high pay overseas. but he rejected that job offer, becaz he was worried about leaving my aunt here. he's not her only son. but he's still so worried and all.

i dont noe where im trying to arrive with this blog entry. i just felt like i had to type everyting down, and read it again someday...years later?

kenkenpi @ 4:24 PM